Or, Who am I creating for?
Since I was a child, I always saw myself as a creator.
A musician, a writer, a DJ—I always presented myself as someone who creates and is involved in these things.
As I grow older, I don’t express the creative elements of my life outwardly—I keep creating, but sometimes I create for no one.
Is music that only I listen to is okay as music?
Within the creative process, which I see as an exploration of the human soul, does there have to be an outward element?
I was always raised and conditioned by external validation—that’s how I knew whether I was successful or not.
I always measured myself by how much people liked me, or more precisely, how much I thought they liked me.
Is my creation now, consciously or unconsciously, aimed at making someone like me—even if I tell myself that’s not the intention?
Can I truly enjoy the joy of creating and doing when I know it’s only for myself?
As I grow and develop, I learn and accept the world as it is, and understand that I can’t force my desires onto it.
I (most likely) won’t be famous, won’t influence other creators, and will exist within my own small bubble and those who know me.
And why is that not okay?
Why does my creation have to be accompanied by external validation?
Why, even more than a year after deleting all social media, do I still feel the need to share what I do and receive applause for it?
I built myself a home “studio” that, most likely, only I will use. Why can’t I be satisfied with that and instead feel that everyone needs to see it?
Also, the fact that I work with recorded and electronic music, rather than necessarily live performance, inherently makes me think about who will hear it and how—even if consciously “I don’t care” whether anyone listens.
Apparently, even if I’m ringing bells only for myself, I still expect someone to hear them.
At least this engagement with what drives me leads me to further growth.